Not the Princess Popstar - and why I hate karaoke contests..

Hi - I'm back from my cruiseship vacation, which was pleasant enough in some respects, but was not the karaoke/open mic piano bar heaven that I had anticipated.

Contrary to what I'd been lead to believe, there was no open mic piano bar, that wonderful venue in which patrons gather in a semi-circular bar around a grand piano, call out old standard Gershwin and Porter tunes to the pianist, and sing to his accompaniment. I had been lead to believe such a venue was part and parcel of a cruise ship vacation.. but apparently not aboard the Golden Princess ..so tremendous dissappointment.

Karaoke? Well, it was limited. Held on restricted nights, at very late and limited hours, and restricted mostly to a multi-evening karaoke contest called "Princess Pop Star."  Karaoke contests are not my favorite thing, because, because, well, because I never, ever win them, if you must know.

And this voyage provided no exception. The eventual Princess Pop Star winner was a pretty tanned, leggy, and mini-skirted Peet's Coffee baristra from Chico. This fact did not depress me too much since in the natural order of things, when pretty,tanned, leggy, and mini-skirted baristras enter karaoke competitions and sing legitimately well (as she did), they will probably win. Just the way things go..
But I did not even make the final sing off! In the various trial heats I lost out to: (1st night) an 84 year old Mormon gentleman tenor from Utah suffering a bit of Alzheimers singing "Danny Boy" acapella; (2nd night) a 20-something clean-cut looking Filipino kid who sang well, but..20-something!.. probably wasn't even paying his own passage! Look how many years he has before him!.. look how many chances for glory he will have.. while for me, on the other hand, this Pop Star contest might have been my one last pathetic shot at achieving a little glory before being escorted off to the old folks home; (3rd night) the pretty, leggy baristra; and (4th night) one of my own travelmates!, who stabbed me in the back and out-Sinatra'ed, me!!, Vic Jang!!, the bastard Chinese clone offspring of old blue-eyes, himself.

So, aside from the fact that I never win them, what other issues do I have with Karaoke contests? Well, (1.) on contest nights, you usually only get one turn to sing. Sure they might offer a modest prize to that night's winner (a free facial in this case) but any true karaoke afficianado would say "Eff the facial, I just want another turn at the mic!" (2.) contests don't allow for group sings - you know, every singer for himself (3.) Contests force you to use your tried and true songs. no room to try new songs.  (4.) contests set the singers against each other. Karaoke to me has always been a way of communing with other singers, not trying to beat their asses. But karaoke contests force me into another mode. When my travelmate aced the Sinatra song on the last trial heat night, I did not think "Yay! Henry. You aced it.." I thought, "Oh crap! I'm gonna lose tonight also.." ..same thing when the baristra signed up. Instead of going "oh boy, look at those legs!" as I might have done had she walked into the 'Boo, I, instead, felt my heart sink, hoping that her singing sucked - cause if it did not, I was doomed again. And then when I lose, I feel dissed and resentful, and change from being a pretty nice guy, to a bit of an irritable, unpleasant, surly asshole for the rest of the night.

So that's the story of karaoke contests and me..

About cruiseship vacations in general,the good points include:

1. Lots of good free on board eating: buffets, sit-down restaurants, chances to consume an array of soups, entrees, and desserts that I would never have considered ordering ($$) in my land mode.

2. Pampering for the most part by an international cast of solicitous waiters, waitresses, porters, and maids who at least acted cheerful (OK, woefully underpaid, overworked, and non-unionized service workers, who somehow managed to act cheerful and friendly in front of us, their charges)

3. Lots of free good shipboard entertainment, of the song and dance variety by the regular shipboard entertainers.. four shows, all well-put together, well-rehearsed, well-danced, well-sung, well-staged .. not easy things to assemble.

4. Good free Las Vegas style shows by accomplished R&B entertainers-flown in for a day or two.

5. Personable, entertaining, sarcastic, social directors with British accents running the karaoke, trivia, bingo, and dance contests and activities..

6. Lots of free time to learn something new... like new dance steps..

7. Having to unpack and packup only once for the whole trip even though we travelling to four ports of call.

8. A chance to really get to know the shipboard staff and your travel companions.

9. Lots of music to be had at the ports of call (OK, roving bands of Maraichi musicians offering to serenade the tourists as they eat.. but they are still good, and I happen to be *into* that type of entertainment).

Shortcomings include:

1. Too much iceberg lettuce and not enough spinach in the salads.

2. Sucky karaoke activities. No Suavemente in their song selection and no equipment to play any personal that karaoke CDs you might have brought aboard.

3. Frustratingly short stays (a few hours) at each port of call. This was perhaps the biggest frustration. Not being able to stick around and experience something like actual life in any of the places we're visiting.

4. Finding out that every other passenger you meet onboard is richer and more successful than you.

5. A feeling on my part that as great as the shipboard party life was, Vegas was better.

6. Perhaps too much of a chance to get to know your fellow travelers. Was feeling a little social claustrophobia after a few days of hanging around, running into, and eating with the same group of people.

Zhengweide